Today I cried
21/06/2017
Today I cried. Not a huge great sob fest, just a little tear, catching me unaware. I cry fairly easily. Sad books or films on the TV, even adverts have been known to set me off. However I don’t often cry because of Hugo’s illness. I think the fight in me stops me, it just feels pointless, a waste of my time and of no use to Hugo. But today I did, just a little.
I was at Hugo’s first hydrotherapy session. He hadn’t wanted to get in the water. He doesn’t like change or things that are new, it takes him a while to get his bearings and I wasn’t surprised that he was a little unsure. He’d cried as I was getting him ready and told me he didn’t want to do it. But there he was, in the water, kicking his little legs and smiling. I suddenly felt a wave of emotion rush over me.
There was my son, who I had just a few minutes ago pushed into the room in a wheelchair. My little boy who needs physio twice a week because his legs are no longer strong enough to hold him up. How did we get here, how did this become his life? I felt so incredibly sad for him. For all that he isn’t able to do, for the huge great chunks of his childhood that he is missing out on.
But there was my son, who despite being unsure and nervous, was there in the water, giving it his all. My little boy who doesn’t let the weakness in his legs stop him smiling and having fun. I was overwhelmed by pride for all he is managing to overcome and the amazing little person is he growing up to be.
There was my son, who has a life limiting, serious illness, but is still here. Who is fortunate that these medications exist, because despite the horrible side effects, the alternative is so much worse. I felt so thankful, so very lucky that this fantastic little man is still in my life.
So I sat there, by the edge of the pool, grinning like an idiot at my amazing son as a tear trickled down my cheek. Feeling incredibly sad, overwhelmingly proud and so very lucky.
4 Comments
Ashley
Good luck. Our daughter had similar issues and needed slot of physio after a bad reaction to early drugs to treat her leukemia. She is four years off treatment now and fine. I know the leg break makes things more complicated. But their young bodies do seem to mend themselves quickly. My heart goes out to you. The anxiety is awful but somehow you just cope.
Lisa Griffiths
Thank you so much Ashley. Yes the anxiety is awful and it's really helpful to hear a positive story. I'm so pleased your daughter is doing fine now. Thank you for leaving a comment x
Big Trouble in Little Nappies
Tonight I cried, reading this… it must be so overwhelming sometimes, and such a significant lot of emotions coming together at once. Both you and Hugo (and Rich and Henry of course) do incredible things, keep smiling, and keep going. I am not surprised you cried – and I think it's amazing that you can still recognise there is so much to smile about. You rock x
Lisa Griffiths
Aww bless you, I didn't mean to make anyone cry. Thank you so much, you always say such lovely things xxx