Time To Be a Little Bolder

I want to live more boldly, be a little braver.

Hugo’s diagnosis changed me. I’m still the same person, I just have some extra layers now, layers that weren’t there before. The experience gave me a different perspective and a new knowledge. I developed an understanding and appreciation of things I couldn’t possibly have had before.

My life looks different too. I stopped working during Hugo’s treatment. It was the right thing to do for us and I have no regrets. However work had given me structure and direction. Looking after Hugo and getting to the end of treatment became my new direction, my sole focus. I couldn’t allow myself to look too far ahead, so when treatment finally finished I felt a little lost and overwhelmed by the long awaited, but sudden freedom.

The hope was to take what I had learnt and shape my new normal. I wanted to emulate the kindness we had been shown by others, to discover and embrace the changes in me and the new world I could now see. To explore the ideas I had and share my knowledge to help others. I so wish cancer hadn’t happened to Hugo, but I was determined to find positives, to use the experience to make a difference.

However it hasn’t quite happened. It’s been 22 months since Hugo finished treatment and I feel disappointed and frustrated at how little I have accomplished. I know I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. This time has been about recovery, it was always going to take time to find our way. I know there are things I have achieved that I can be proud of, but I also know I have done them hesitantly, apologetically almost. That I have felt unsure, fearful of failing or of not being good enough. I have been embarrassed, nervous to ask for help and worried what people think of me now. No one has ever said anything to cause me to feel this way, people have been nothing but supportive, I know it’s only me putting barriers in my way.

The insecurities and lack of confidence I’ve always had took a further knock during Hugo’s treatment. I ceased to be important, only Hugo and my little family mattered. My needs and wants weren’t important then and that was fine, they were an easy sacrifice to make. I lost my sense of self, I became the parent of a child with cancer, and that was fine too. That was how it needed to be.

I gained strength from our childhood cancer experience, but a different kind of strength to the one I needed post treatment. I’d developed the courage to fight for Hugo, to speak up for him, to research and gain the necessary knowledge in order to help him. Now I need to find the strength to fight for myself. Things are fine, I am fine. My children will always come first, but maybe it’s time to let me matter again too, to be more than just fine. To break these habits, to finally find my spark and shine brightly.

I no longer want my fear of failure to stop me from trying, or to worry that me or my ideas are not good enough. It’s time I stopped letting my worries and insecurities hold me back. To stop overthinking and talking myself out of things or overly worrying what others think of me. I want to have faith in myself and trust I have something to offer, something to say worth listening to. To figure out what makes me happy, passionate and excited and do more of it. To be more me, whoever that might be.

When my dad died recently we naturally talked about his life and the person he had been. He wasn’t a bold, larger than life character, but he lived a full and happy life. He tried hard to do the right thing in every aspect of his life and to be a good person. We received so many messages from family and friends saying how much they’d respected, admired and loved him for the person he was. By simply being his kind, thoughtful, gentle self and being true to the things he held dear, he’d made a different to others, he’d made a difference to this world.

It showed me we don’t have to be exceptional in order to make a difference. We can do it every single day, simply by being the best version of ourselves we can be. We all have something to offer, something of value, to not let it shine through is a waste.

“Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one”

Eleanor Roosevelt

He set me a wonderful example and I want to do the same for my children. They need to see you can be a kind and thoughtful person, while also being passionate about things that matter. That to care for others, you need to care for yourself too. We can be inspired and motivated by others, but it’s important to follow your own path and be yourself without fear or embarrassment.

We are all aware every day how lucky we are. How fortunate we are that we still have Hugo and that I live a life where I can talk about finding myself. I am not complaining about my life, not in the slightest, and I hope it doesn’t sound too self absorbed. It’s about taking the life I am so very lucky to have and trying to live it fully. To live in colour rather than black and white. I need to make some changes and putting them in print makes me accountable, if only to myself.

Maybe I’m not the only one who needs to hear this. We are currently in the middle of an unprecedented pandemic. A difficult and unsettling time, but also one of reflection. Many people are questioning what’s really important, if there are changes they want to make and what aspects of their lives they actually want to return to. For me it’s been reminiscent of how I felt at the end of Hugo’s treatment, but it’s also reminded me of all I had wanted to achieve, of the dreams and ideas that remain only in my head.

I have spent the last 22 months celebrating, recovering and more recently grieving. We have had to adjust to the new challenges Hugo faces and cope with fears and worries that remain despite treatment being over. We have struggled to find a balance between making the most of every moment and giving ourselves permission to just be. Maybe for me this has all been part of a process, one that has been necessary to get me to this point. Perhaps the recent events have given me the clarity I need at a time when I am ready and able to embrace a change.

So, it’s time for a change. It’s time to be a little bolder, a little braver. To live my life fully, with both confidence and grace. I’m going to find that spark and let it shine brightly. I am going to be more me.

For my family, for my dad, but mostly for me.