Something Worth Celebrating

I hadn’t planned on writing a post about it.  One year since our lives were turned upside down, 12 months since my amazing, beautiful, precious son was diagnosed with leukaemia.  I didn’t want to give cancer the satisfaction of acknowledging its existence, of the impact it has had on us all.  It shouldn’t get any more time and attention than I am already forced to give it.  It certainly doesn’t seem like something worth celebrating.

In the days and weeks leading up to the anniversary the flashbacks to that night have been coming thick and fast.  I hadn’t expected it to be so difficult, so emotional.  It’s just a date,  I tell myself, it’s just a date.  The memories of that night make my stomach turn and my eyes fill with tears.  My mind plays it back in excruciating detail, frantically searching for a moment, for something I could have done differently, that would have changed the outcome. Of course there isn’t one and the sadness comes like a wave all over again.  Certainly nothing to celebrate.

Then I look at Hugo, with his chubby cheeks and gorgeous smile.  I see how well he is doing, despite the treatment he is undergoing.  I am reminded how amazing he has been and how brave.  That he has grown in confidence, even with all he has had to endure.  Most importantly, I see that he is still here, still fighting.  I see that he is kicking caner’s butt with a strength and courage that defies his years. That is most definitely something worth celebrating.

We have managed to find a way to get through this last year, to deal with this crazy new cancer filled life.  As a family we are stronger, we have stared fear in the face and kept going.  We are thankful and we are still together.  It has not broken us. That is most definitely worth celebrating too.

There has never been a moment where I haven’t wished with all my heart that cancer had not come into our lives. Never a day that I don’t wish our lives had carried on the path we had imagined.  But in amongst the darkness there has been light too.  We have learnt not to take things for granted, to be thankful for the small things in our lives, because they are the things that really matter, that are really important. The unwavering love and support that surrounds us has been truly amazing. We have been amazed by our strength and the kindness of others and that is also something worth celebrating.

One day at a time, that’s how we have tried to deal with this.  But today, just this once, I want to look forward.  To a day when Hugo will be 12 months post treatment.  To imagine there will be another day, even further in his future, an amazing day when he will be 12 months cancer free. This anniversary is but a small moment on this journey, just a stepping stone to the bigger moments. It is necessary and important to get to the really good stuff. So I will take a moment, I will breathe it all in and I will rejoice, because it turns out there is much to celebrate after all.