For my Mum

Dear Mum

It has been two years since you passed away.  I can hardly believe that so much time has gone by, that our lives have somehow managed to continue without you here.  You have missed so much and time has not lessened our sadness or the huge gap you have left in our lives.

I missed you so deeply when Hugo was diagnosed, I wanted my mum so much.  I longed for your no nonsense approach combined with your unembarrassed emotion.  You would have understood, as a mum.  As my mum you would have felt it all along with me.  You would have held me and hugged me and we would have both cried.  Then you would have looked at me and told me we would get through this, that he would be fine.

Sometimes I find myself feeling grateful that you don’t have to watch Hugo go through this, that you don’t have to watch me go through this.  But I do so wish you could see how amazing he is.  He is such a little trooper, so much stronger than he looks.  His sensitive nature masking his toughness.  It pains me that the two of you didn’t get more time together, to get to know each other.  He would have brought you such great joy and pride and you would have showered him with so much love.

I think back to your final days, of your refusal to give up, how you kept fighting right until the very end.  When I spoke at your funeral I talked of your inspirational strength and courage.  You showed amazing bravery, not just at the end, but during all of your illness.  I am now seeing those wonderful attributes again in your youngest grandson.  My little man has inherited from you so many qualities that are going to help see him through this journey.  I’m so very proud of him, just as I was so very proud of you.

I think perhaps you have gifted me too, with the strength to keep going, with the ability to stand up and fight when things are tough.  To be there for my child as you were always there for me and Tim.  I hope my children know they are loved, just as we knew.  I am so very thankful to you for this.

But I’m sorry too.  Sorry that sometimes I was so busy seeing the negatives that I didn’t stop to appreciate all your wonderful positive qualities.  I’m sorry that there were occasions when I made our relationship harder than it needed to be.  That I didn’t tell you enough how much I loved you and how grateful I was to you for all that you did and all that you were.  I think you knew.  I so hope you knew.

But you weren’t there mum, when Hugo was diagnosed, however much I wished otherwise.  I know how angry this would have made you.  How fiercely you would have wanted to be there for me and for all of us.  But it’s ok.  I cried on dad’s shoulder instead.  Your absence allowing him to step up, and he has mum, he really has.

Then I wiped my tears and got on with it, because what other choice is there?  I’m his mum and he needed me.  I promised Hugo he would get through it and I would be right there with him, fighting with him every step of the way, because that’s what we do, isn’t it mum.

Love always

Your Daughter x