A Great Big Dose of Normality

Well it seems that summer is finally here.  The children have broken up from school, the tube is like a sauna and everyone is excitedly talking about their upcoming holidays.

The sunshine seems to give everyone a lift.  People are smiling and more sociable – life just seems a little better when the sun is out. I have felt it too, but it’s more than just a sunshine feel good factor.  The sun seems to have brought with it a great big dose of normality.  We too have a holiday to look forward to.  I, like so many others, am trying to juggle work with childcare over the school holidays.  The boys are excited and I have bought a beach trolley (who knew such things even existed!).  It all feels wonderfully, boringly, normal.

I feel like a weight has been lifted, a weight I didn’t even know was there. I think I have been feeling guilty about how well Hugo has been doing, that he’s not giving a true representation of how bad childhood cancer can be. I know it sounds ridiculous, honestly I do, which just makes me feel even more guilty!

However over the last few days something seems to have changed. I don’t know if it’s due to the sun, because we are settled into maintenance treatment now, or maybe the phase of the moon!  Whatever it is, it feels good, really good.  The sun seems to have brought with it a clarity, a realisation that people want nothing more than to see us all happy and Hugo healthy.  I don’t have to carry a guilt around with me if he’s doing well, or explain how precarious his health is. People get it and if they don’t, well that doesn’t matter, they still just want us to be happy.  

Having a child with cancer is hard, whether your child is doing well or not.  So if there are moments of happy then I should be reaching out and grabbing them with both hands and not using up precious energy feeling bad about it.  It’s ok to be happy, to feel normal.  Happy and normal are good, great in fact.

I wouldn’t say that I ever forget Hugo has leukaemia.  It’s always there, in my head somewhere, but there have been moments recently when it seems to have dulled just a little, when it doesn’t seem quite as all consuming. The line between the strangeness in our lives and the normality seems to be gradually blurring and I seem to have found a little peace with our new normal.

I don’t know if this feeling will last, but if the sun has given us a much needed dose of normality and brought with it a bit of happy, then who am I to argue?  I’m just going to go with it.  So, let’s fire up the BBQ, fill up the paddling pool, pour a glass of Pimms (pack some waterproofs to take on holiday,  just in case) and let’s have the best summer ever!